what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
