dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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