You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
