A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Randomize
