i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
