Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
