I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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