Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
