my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
