I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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