I wanna bring you to show and tell
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
