The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
