just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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