Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
