And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
