Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
