I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
