On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
