i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
