By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I didn't notice because vodka
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
