By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
