if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Randomize
