I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Hippo gnu deer
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
