I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
