Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
