He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
