How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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