i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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