apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
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