i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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