Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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