I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
