I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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