Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
