Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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