I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
