All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
