I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
