I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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