I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
