I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
