She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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