I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
