I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
