i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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