Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
