i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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