I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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