"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
