are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
