Small penises have feelings too.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
